Living in Stokholm Syndrome Japan

 I know the title of this blog might jarring to some readers but hear me out. Living in Japan is confusing.

Some days I'm super happy and thankful for life; on other days I want to end it all.

I love the safety that Japan has to offer but I feel like I'm sacrificing important parts of myself for it. When I first came to Japan, I was unaware of all the social etiquette and unsaid conversations.  However, the more Japanese (language and culture) that I learn the more suffocating it all becomes. I have to not act a certain way or I will bring shame on my husband and his family and that's a lot of pressure. I'm one person. I should be judged on my actions alone but no... if I step out of line it will somehow reflect badly on the people I hold dear most. I don't think that's fair. 

 My husband and his family probably are not thinking that deeply about any of this, but it bothers me. 

I love them and they're the best family I could have asked for. So it's like I'm putting unnecessary pressure on myself and in turn I'm starting to mask and be unlike myself. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and no one can save me. 

But that's not what I wanted to rant about. What I want to ramble about is how white supremacy is here too. Japanese people love white people. They think they're pretty and more capable than other people including other Asians. I think it's so wild. These white-run countries literally plotted, exploited, and dropped bombs on you and now you got white faces everywhere. I hate seeing white faces in all their advertisement. It literally makes no sense. Put more Japanese models on things. This is your country and you're catering to Japanese people. So why are white people in your clothing ads and commercials? They probably don't even make up 1% of your population but they are on 90% of your advertisement. It's just wild to me. If you went anywhere in Europe I promise you wouldn't see that many Japanese faces all over their advertisements. It's unnatural the same as Japan's unnatural obsession with hafu (mixed) children. Or mixed white children I should say. This obsession also dictates how they interact with and rate foreigners. It's quite disgusting. Can you get past this unfortunate barrier with language? Sure but I feel like it should never be an issue in the first place. 

No one should be judged by looks alone. PERIOD. 

People can tell you whatever you want but let them SHOW you who they are through actions. 

But whatever I guess I have attained second-hand white privilege by being American and being able to use the standard accent. I've used it so much I'm starting to forget how I actually sound. However, this is the only way I know to survive. 

Am I using the skills that I have gained against my will or am I simply a victim of Stockholm syndrome too?