4 years later ... REBORN.

 Wow... I completely forgot about this blog. I guess things got really dark and I hit rock bottom and managed to forget about this space. However, don't be alarmed. I'm okay. In fact I'm great. A lot has changed in my life. 

I'm managing my stress and depression better lately. I've also learned how to set healthy boundaries. I also learned to accept myself as a non-binary person. I don't experience body dysmorphia as often anymore. The most surprising news may be that I ended up getting married lol. I never saw myself getting married. I never saw myself being alive to see 30. But I'm still here...

On to a lighter note... My husband is a really great person. He's really kind and takes care of me. He listens to me when I have concerns. We may have minor squabbles here and there but what couples don't. I think if there aren't any squabbles then you're not being honest with one another. No relationship is free from conflict. 

With that being said I have really grown alot from living in a different country. I have escaped the toxic enviroment and racist programming that I endured living in America. I'm finally free. I do feel like my life is a paradox though. I feel young and old at the same time. I feel that while my body is growing older, my heart is growing younger and more open-minded. 

It's so weird. Up until moving to Japan... I never really knew anything about myself. I was too busy navigating a world as a black queer person and learning about things for survival. I realized I've never really experienced real joy until leaving America.  It's a really odd feeling but I feel like living in America was all a bad dream. It feels like a distant memory... a distant past life that I had. It's hard to describe. It's like I was reborn and I'm starting with a blank slate. I'm learning new things everyday and it's exciting. 

 Living in a world where you're not negatively affected by racism is so easy. This must be how white American people feel. Maybe it's why they avoid/avoided getting involved with Black Lives Matter (BLM). If I'm being honest I don't get involved with it anymore and I consciously avoid American foreigners or foreigners in general if I sense they with interrupt my peace.  

White people (Americans) can live carefree without ever interracting with a black person. Even if they did know a black person it's not like it would impact their life negatively. Black people can't affect where white people live and work. Living in America is literally like living in a caste system.  If you are a person of color you may escape some of the hardships from being smart, beautiful, and/or wealthy but you'll never be white at the end of the day.  

I'm shocked that such a world still exists today. I'm still not used to toxic American culture. Hence why I tend to avoid any news about America. People aren't free to just live and be happy.You have to pretend to be overly conscious and you can't have opinions that differ from the majority. People aren't strong enough to endure a little criticism or confrontation. People also aren't free to make mistakes. One misstep and people are trying to ruin your life. I couldn't live in America. But good on those who can endure. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have PTSD from living in America. I would love to see my friends and family but the thought of going back honestly makes me feel ill. I'll gather the strength someday.